The beauty of Chaos

 There are some things in life that you just cannot explain. Things like why you feel sad during a happy moment; why we are afraid that a good thing is not going to last; why happiness always seems just a reach away.

It feels weird to write things down now. I have spent many of my nights typing down stuff that I have gladly tucked away into the drafts folder in my laptop- Words I could not say, things I could not do, places that deep down I know I will never see. It is true, what Rousseau said- Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains. We tend to think that these chains are figurative of the society in which we exist. It is safe, and perhaps even healthier, to conclude that it is we who create these limitations, these chains.

In physics, we do calculations that tend to go out of hand due to their complexity. This is due to the assumptions that we take into consideration with every phenomenon and equation. We often tend to draw conclusions based on the easiest cases possible- which we have so ironically termed "Boundary conditions". Beautiful words for something that limits the potential to which the equation can expand. Basically, a way to control the variables of an equation. Order out of Chaos, The question is: Is this "order" necessarily good?

It is precisely this sort of assumption- this sort of boundary condition, that we take into consideration in our own lives, let alone to calculate Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. We assume that we are okay with stuff that we are not. That is one boundary. We also think that it is okay to draw a limitation around ourselves- cozily termed as our "comfort zone", when in fact, this is yet another boundary.

Consider a man, Y, walking in a park. He sees a woman walking a dog, and instantly falls in love with her. Instead of approaching her and taking his chance, he watches her for days, which turn to weeks and months, during which he falls deeper and irreversibly in love with her. To him, she is a system, and he is the scientist fascinated by her behavior. He lets the system flow without any disturbance, till one day he sees another man approaching her. He could make out that he was asking her out on a date, to which she agreed. Eventually, they marry, while the scientist who played God is forced to be a witness, like a martyr's wife, unable to prevent or interject into what seems to be a cruel fate.

Consider another person, this time a woman X, taking a cab back home from work. She keeps watching reels on her phone, addicted to the beautiful landscapes in videos which had begun to fill her feed as of late. She saves them all to a private folder titled "Bucket List". She knows that between her work and family, she might never find time to visit all these places, but hopefully, one day she might go to at least one. All of a sudden, her cab swerves off the road and falls into a river. She naturally drowns and dies.

In the last moments of her life, it must have flashed, though- all of it. Everything that she had gone through, everything she had done- in pursuit of happiness? Falling in love and marrying, seemingly the guy of her dreams, for happiness. Giving her all for her children, for happiness. Pursuing another degree, thinking knowledge was happiness. She seemed to do the right thing, but something was wrong. Something was missing. Surely this could not be happiness? The way that the others describe it feels as if it were some sort of nectar from the gods. Surely it must not feel so washed out, like when you put all the right ingredients into the curry, but it still feels like it does not taste right.

Scenarios aside, let me try to work with something that you can relate to. Have you ever noticed that whenever people around you hype you up about something that you have not experienced, you build up great expectations for the same, and they all become dashed when you experience it yourself? Maybe a movie, which your friends were all excited about, but you did not quite feel it- like you expected more. Maybe a place that you have googled, gawked at its scenic beauty, whilst the reality looks drab in comparison. This is life. Always greener on the other side. Man is not happy with who he is or what he has become, and always wishes for more. His wants never end; and therefore, he is chained by his own view of himself and the world. He is chained by the situations that are limited by his perspectives. He is chained by the people he chooses to surround himself with. He chooses to chain himself when deep down he knows that it is only he who can save himself.

The only thing that distinguishes AI from humankind is emotion. If we lack emotion, we become efficient. That is why educated people tend to feel more suicidal- because they know that there is more to it all (I wouldn't know, I have a long way to go). They know that it is their own inefficiency that causes their emotions to function as active glitches in their everyday lives(or so I have heard).

Take, for example, Love. There is no doubt that love is a beautiful feeling, whether you feel it romantically, paternally, maternally- in all forms of relationships, if you get the gist of it. It is what we choose to 'define' as love that matters.

No form of love is selfless. In fact, if we feel happy while loving someone, we are still being selfish. Even if you have the "let them go so that they can be happier without me" sort of love, technically speaking, that too is selfish. After all, their happiness makes you happy, does it not?

(Note: This is nothing personal, just an observation I have made from peering into my surroundings. DO NOT message me asking if I am alright.)

This is why when we love, we hurt. Be it ourselves or others, the end result is hurt. And to advocate my case, I will add a bit of Lata Mangeshkar into the mix:

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हम तेरे प्यार में सारा आलम
खो बैठे हैं, खो बैठे
तुम कहते हो के ऐसे प्यार के
भूल जाओ, भूल जाओ

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Which directly translates to:

I have lost the entire world loving you.

And yet, you ask me to forget this love.

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(In the end, what am I left with?)

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I have come to a conclusion that emotions are unexplainable, the pursuit of happiness is in vain and that love is never selfless. But when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up, no?