Romeo and the Juliets

Valentine's Day.

A day on which couples celebrate their love for each other by showering their significant other with gifts, chocolates, flowers and whatnot, exhibiting extremely mushy and gooey behavior that drives single people insane.

Valentine's is grossly over exaggerated.

This Valentine's day, however, I wish to publish a post- one that is based on a topic that is widely known all over the world. The topic is something (or rather, someone) which has captured the attention of people all around the globe. And it has something to do with love. I think.

Yes. As usual, you have failed to guess the subject of my topic. It is none other than-

(insert dramatic drumroll)

HENRY THE EIGHTH.

You might be wondering- who the hell is HENRY THE EIGHTH? If you would only care to proceed to the article below, you would know.

HENRY THE EIGHTH was born as baby Henry Tudor on one fine morning, 28th June 1493, as the son of his father HENRY THE SEVENTH (People back then were too busy to think of names so they just went on successively adding numbers to names for their children) and Elizabeth of York. Henry (the kid, not the father) had six to seven siblings- of which only three survived infancy (probably because of Henry's obnoxious behavior. Just a theory). In 1493, at the age of two, Henry was appointed Constable of Dover Castle and Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports. He was subsequently appointed Earl Marshal of England and Lord Lieutenant of Ireland at age three and was made a Knight of the Bath (not the verb) soon after. The day after the ceremony, he was appointed Duke of York and a month or so later made Warden of the Marches.

Too much power for a baby.

The guy was awarded tons of other posts, but not expected to be king. That was an unexpected twist.

Henry was well learnt in every subject under the sun (okay maybe not everything, but he was a really educated fellow). At 1501, he played a considerable role in the marriage of his brother Arthur (who was aged fifteen. Fifteen. He was fifteen years old when he decided to burden himself with a family) to one Catherine of Aragon. The aforementioned bro died the very next year due to "sweating sickness" (Yes. Sweating sickness). Shortly after his brother's death, our hero was forced by his father to consider marriage with Arthur's widow. Henry, like any sane person (not that he was) did not like the idea of marrying before he could properly count to ten, so he refused to do so. As a result, Cathy (Catherine) was stuck in a state of confusion. Her previous husband had died and her soon-to-be did not appear to want the whole ordeal to be so soon. So she waited for young Henry to grow up, believing that one day he would marry her.

Oh the perils of young love (sigh!)

When Henry was seventeen, his dad kicked the bucket. After the burial (which was on the 10th of May, by the way- my birth date) Henry declared out of the blue that he would indeed marry the Cathy girl and would assume the throne of England. Henry insisted that the remaining issues regarding the "marrying his brother's wife" part should be overlooked because it had been "his father's dying wish to have them united" (though no one heard him say so). During the marriage, Henry declared that he was the descendant of the King Arthur (not his dead brother. An article on King Arthur will be published in the future. Probably) and Constantine the Great, thereby, a worthy successor.

Henry's reign began shortly after his coronation. He employed various political tactics in which the people he did not like were charged with treason against the English throne and executed.

I have a sudden urge to become a 16th century King of England.

Catherine got pregnant, but the child was a stillborn. She got pregnant again and a son (named Henry- obviously) was born. They threw a huge party for the kid who had no idea that he was a born celebrity.

I find it necessary to mention here that the kid died seven weeks later.

Two more failed pregnancies later, Cathy gave birth to a girl- Mary. She would later become the infamous and notorious "Bloody Mary" (No. Not the drink. Or the ghost.) But more on that later.

Now, Henry was a bit mad at Catherine for not being able to produce a child. After Mary's birth, he somewhat cooled down. But deep down inside his irritation turned to something weird and ugly. Henry started having flings with every single girl out there. Adultery was frowned upon during the time, but as always, rules do not apply to royalty.

Henry, whilst keeping an eye on every girl that moves and breathes, had kept the other on France, which he had plans to conquer. When he seized an oppurtune moment, his brother-in-law seized England, drowning everything into a state of chaos and pandemonium. Numerous political stuff took place during this time, that merely keeping track of the names of the people involved in the wars itself has managed to confuse Wikipedia. And if my main source is confused, naturally so am I. I hope you overlook this bump on the road as I attempt to continue being the bard here.

During his marriage to Catherine of Aragon, Henry conducted an affair with Mary Boleyn, Catherine's lady-in-waiting (so that was what she was waiting for, that husband-snatcher). Henry started growing impatient with his wife for not being able to produce a male heir. In his irritation with Catherine and weird infatuation with Mary Boleyn's charismatic sister Anne Boleyn, Henry decided that he needs to get rid of Catherine by annulment of marriage.

Henry had initially asked Anne to become another one of his flings; and like any self-respecting villian, she played hard to get. She insisted that she would not whore around with Henry but would agree to be his wife and give him his "male heir" given that Catherine would be out of the picture. Henry tried to convince his wife Catherine to join nunnery (WHAT?!) but in vain. Henry approached the Pope, who at the time was Pope Clement VII in hopes of attaining an annulment of marriage. The pope was on a whole different page, though. So Henry said," Oh, hell with the church and whatnot. I am going to create my own church. My life, my rules. I rock."

Okay, maybe he did not say the last part. But he definitely thought it.

So the hyped up Henry created a church and crowned himself it's supreme head. According to the rules HE made, there was nothing wrong in divorcing Catherine. So he did. Like a puppy thrown in the rain, Catherine was banished from court and her rooms were given to Anne Boleyn. Anne was an unusually educated and intellectual woman for her time and was keenly absorbed and engaged with the ideas of the Protestant Reformers, but she herself was not too keen on the whole "new church propaganda" of her so called "husband". Henry also killed St. Thomas Moore for not falling into line with his "dump Catherine" mission.

Henry was married to Catherine for 24 years. Their divorce has been described as a "deeply wounding and isolating" experience for Henry. THEN WHY THE HELL DID HE LET HER GO?

"If you love her, let her go mate." -Khalil Gibran.

No comment.

He then entered into a life of not-so-holy matrimony with Anne Boleyn.

She soon got pregnant and gave birth to a daughter named Elizabeth, who would also turn out to be a cruel but highly intelligent mastermind who ruled with an iron fist much like her step sister "Bloody Mary".

Anne Boleyn was, however, a modern woman. She was highly independant and was not submissive as was the behaviour expected from royal ladies. She made many enemies because she advocated for girl power (actually she advocated for herself, but still). The vivacity and opinionated intellect that had made her so attractive as an illicit lover made her unsuitable as a royal wife and it made her many enemies. For his part, Henry disliked Anne's constant irritability and violent temper. He saw her failure to provide him with a son as a betrayal.

Queen Anne was pregnant again, and she was aware of the consequences if she failed to give birth to a son. Later that month, the king was thrown from his horse in a tournament and was badly injured; it seemed for a time that his life was in danger. When news of this accident reached the queen, she was sent into shock and miscarried a male child.

Anne's behaviour created a lot of ill-wishers for her. Which made her execution easy for Henry. Henry charged Anne and her brother with incest (look it up) and condemned them to death.

Moving on to wife number three.

Jane Seymour, who was frolicking with the king while he was married to Anne Boleyn, served as a replacement for the latter following her death. Jane was the only queen who actually did give Henry his "son" (Prince Edward VI). Unfortunately, Jane met her demise shortly after her son's birth. The son also died aged eight.

Since Jane had died and the king was single and ready to mingle, he tied the knot with Anne of Cleves. After the marriage, however, Henry claimed that the wife was not as good looking as her portrait had pictured her to be. So he divorced her. The broker, one Mr. Cromwell, was- you guessed it. Charged with treason and beheaded.

On 28 July 1540 (the same day Cromwell was executed), Henry married the young Catherine Howard, a first cousin and lady-in-waiting of Anne Boleyn. Henry had actually liked this one and showered her with tons of gifts. She, however, cheated on the King with two men, subsequently unleashing the wrath of his fury. She and the men in question were beheaded.

Henry married his last wife, the wealthy widow Catherine Parr, in July 1543. A reformer at heart, she argued with Henry over religion (but in vain). Parr helped reconcile Henry with his daughters, Mary and Elizabeth, who he had conveniently declared illegitimate in the excitement of actually having fathered a son (Edward).

This wife outlived Henry (Thank God).

Henry is frequently characterised in his later life as a lustful, egotistical, paranoid and tyrannical monarch. His idea of love was clearly blinded by lust and his insane need for a boy child. Henry was a stupid, idiotic and pompous ruler who destroyed the life of five women, not including his two daughters who grew up more or less undertaking the make of their father's cruel mind.

In conclusion,

Love is Commitment.

Being there for someone is what a real relationship needs. When we neglect to put in the effort is when things don't work out with someone that could have been perfect for us. If you put in that extra effort for someone that can reciprocate it, love can be the greatest feeling one can ever feel.

Henry did not know a thing about love. The guy had it all, but was a sore loser.

And so I go, awkwardly scrawling down a conclusion for the article I spent over three hours typing and editing. It does not matter, though. Its just me and my food on Valentine's day.