The Honest Woodcutter- A Spinoff

Once upon a time, in a village called Oolampara, there lived a woodcutter by the name of Hari. Hari was an honest man. His brother was, however, the proprietor of extremely vile characteristics, but we will get to that later.

Like any honest woodcutting bachelor, Hari made his living by cutting down trees and merchandising it to the people who manufacture exam sheets. Everyday he set out to the nearby forest to cut off the trees, choosing the big ones (because now the Kerala State Board issues exam booklets, and therefore, more paper is required). Hari was, however, a very backward personality, despite existing in the Twenty-first century. He made a point of using an axe instead of a sawing machine (mainly because electricity is getting more and more expensive as days pass by). Although the axe was a slow means of cutting wood, Hari earned just enough to have a minima of ten parathas a day, with an occasional treat of Al Faham. He was extremely satisfied with leading a simple, yet a rad life.

One day, while cutting a tree near a river, Hari's axe slipped from his hand and fell into the large waterbody. Despite being an able woodcutting bachelor, Hari did not fraternize with the basics of swimming. He had not even bought a spare axe (because why bother?). Hence, like any self-respecting man, Hari sat on a tree branch and started lamenting his poor soul out. 

Now, the Greek Goddess Aphrodite was on a world tour and just so happened to walk by the river in question. Seen a grown man crying helplessly and turning the estuary salty with his tears, Aphrodite took pity on him and decided to make herself visible to him (because of the pity. Not because he was a handsome bachelor). On seeing Aphrodite, Hari's jaw dropped as he was appalled, starstruck and even a bit alarmed. He had never set eyes on such an exquisitely beautiful lady that for a moment he forgot that he had dropped his axe and was supposed to cry. Hari was so taken in by her beauty that he was staring and it was starting to become rude, so Aphrodite cleared her larynx and allowed Hari to gather his bearings and whatnot and make himself presentable. Aphrodite then enquired the justification for why he was wailing in the middle of the day as if he had lost his axe. Hari replied that he had indeed lost his axe and that the said axe had been his only means of acquiring a forthright living and that now that he had lost the axe he would never make enough money to save for his wedding that he was hoping would take place in the near future. Aphrodite just hummed in acknowledgement and disappeared into the water. This sudden disappearance led Hari to believe that he had lost his charm with the ladies and started bawling even louder (now that insult was added to his injury). Aphrodite came back up, though, and asked him to shut up because the fish were getting irked. Hari, being an obedient person, complied with the rather rude request, but the tears were still streaming from his eyes. With a sigh, Aphrodite went back into the river and emerged with an axe made of pure 916 gold, her hairdo remaining completely intact despite the fact that she had been immersed in water. 

"Is this your axe?" Aphrodite asked.

"Uh... No."

She went back into the water again.

Unsure of what to do while Aphrodite was under water (since this was becoming a rather frequent occurrence), Hari took out his iPhone and called his brother. He told his brother of his plight but left out the part of the beautiful Goddess because it did not seem very important at the time. After phoning his brother, he contacted the Axe Insurance Company (AIC) but they denied his case, saying that dropping an axe into a lake was not covered under the insurance policy. Hari said that it did not matter, since the waterbody in question was a river, not a lake. The insurance company jeered at him and hung up, leaving poor Hari anguished.

Just then, Aphrodite resurfaced with another axe, this time one made of pure silver. 

"Is this your axe?" Aphrodite asked.

"Um... No."

She went back into the water again.

Quite curious now as to where Aphrodite was getting all these axes from, Hari peered into the river (expecting an under-water axe-selling shop) and almost fell into the water, but caught himself just in time to see that Aphrodite had appeared again, this time, carrying his very own axe, which was looking rather worn out compared to the other two.

"Is this your axe?" Aphrodite asked.

"Yes yes, this is it! How-"

"No questions. Just shut up and say thank you and begone, fellow man."

"So should I shut up or say thank you?"

Awkward silence.

"Okay then" said Aphrodite and gave Hari all the three axes (the gold, silver and his own) and told him that it was because of his honesty (and not because she was too lazy to keep the axes back wherever she took it from) and left the area because the river water was turning her skin wrinkly.

Shrugging (and still not quite sure of what really happened), Hari went back to his brother Ravi's house and narrated the whole incident to him. Now, this Ravi fellow was a foxy and deceitful character (like I mentioned before) and so the whole ordeal of meeting a beautiful lady who gives out free axes made of gold and silver seemed rather appealing to him. So, like his brother, Ravi too went to the same river with a typical worn-out axe and climbed up the same tree and threw his axe from said tree into the river. The axe, however, landed on the head of the King fish (not kingfisher, take note) who lost his consciousness upon the impact. All the subjects of the fish kingdom started crying because they were confused as to what happened to their King. This 'mass crying' increased the water level of the river by 30%. The fact that Ravi was also fake-crying from above the river (thereby causing an abominable amount of Noise Pollution) caused Aphrodite to wake up from her afternoon nap, rather irritated. On arriving at the river, she saw Ravi and asked him why he was yawling like a cat which got bit by a three horned grasshopper. Taken aback a bit, Ravi said that he had lost his axe in the river and that it had been his only means of living.

"Oh. Is that all?"

"Yep"

"Alright" said Aphrodite and went back into the river.

Ravi expected her to come back within five minutes but she seemed to have forgot about him as she did not return even a half hour later. The tree bark had started making Ravi's back itch and the wood mites certainly did not help. So he called out again to Aphrodite, who had by now started regretting helping humans.

"What. Do. You. Want." 

"Um, actually, I had lost my axe about ye long and ye wide in this river a while ago and I was hoping you would give it to me-"

"Listen, Mister-"

"Ravi."

"Yes, Mister Ravi. Do you think I look like someone who is in charge of the lost and found business here?"

"No, but-"

"Do you think I have time to spare picking up axes that you feeble, frail and inconsequential  humans keep dropping in the river for some reason?"

"No, but I-"

"Do you think-"

"No, mam, I do not. But I really want that axe and I have no other hope but you."

Ravi added his puppy eyes effect so that the goddess would yield.

"Fine. But do not repeat this."

"Yeah. Sure. Yeah."

Aphrodite went back into the river.

And returned with THE EXACT AXE RAVI HAD DROPPED.

"Is this your axe?"

"Yes-"

"Then take it."

"Uh, just to clarify, weren't you supposed to show me a gold and silver axe first? I heard that was the, uh, previous experie-"

"GETOUTTAMYFACEYOUUNTHINKINGFOOLSYOUBLOODYINFERIORPINTSIZEDDUMBS"

And Ravi disappeared, never to be seen again.

An Aesop adaptation parody.