While waiting for dinner

I confess that I have been dawdling as far as writing is concerned, as of late, and I am ashamed of the fact that I needed a whiplash (in the form of a very good friend- Thanks Tinu (insert smiley)) to wake up from my dormant state of being a couch potato.

I am in lack of a good topic, have broken my neck a bit (thanks to the college sports day activities in which I felt that I simply HAD to overindulge in) and am wearing a collar on said neck, so forgive me for a few misgivings.

My final year of college is coming to a screeching halt (not that I am counting or anything, but 27 days more. Just a rough figure, of course) and I am going along with the tide of extra classes, homework, assignments, projects and so on. In fact, out of all these piles of work, one of the most herculean tasks which I find myself loathing to complete is my Practical Record submission.

Being a science student has many advantages and disadvantages. One of the greatest advantage to someone who likes writing a lot (holding a pen is like heaven to me) is completing the practical record. However, there is a catch. I am also a procrastinator. And therefore, I can never find myself being able to complete it on time.

And so, like any other self-respecting procrastinator, I found myself in my room, pens and pencils neatly stacked next to the barrage of rulers, as well as my rough and fair record books. Being an avid multitasker, I felt the need to listen to something while completing my record. Therefore, I turned to Spotify, implored for a good playlist, got tired with the ads and switched to Youtube instead. 

The problem with Youtube is that it has a lot of user-ignored cookies. Which means, it knows my likes and dislikes, tastes and- well, distastes? more than my own mother does, based on some random algorithms that take into account my search history and watched videos. And all that knowledge without me specifically giving it! Which is probably why after two hours of continued "Channa Mereya" I found myself veering off to a suggested video underneath the lyric loop- You guessed it! True crime!

True crime is fascinating to me, which of course, you must have formulated from my recent blogs (or if you know me personally). I do not know if it is the psycho in me, but somehow, something in me wants to understand how human psychology works. It also gives me a story to listen to, despite being gruesome, and gives me the thrill of acting like I am a part of solving a mystery. Although these reasons may seem weird, I really do not know how to express my love for mystery and true crime. I love it. I just do.

Anywho...

I watched video after video, successfully wasting? (I do not think that time was a waste, but my parents beg to differ) a couple of hours, after which I stumbled upon a video about cyber crime. I admit that I do not really comprehend the full extent of the video, or the crime that the so called "villain" committed, but I saw the whole damn thing. I am not one to judge, but I am sure that the "villain" in the story is not actually a "villain"; and even if he were, his intentions were pure.

I am going to attach the video as a hyperlink, before you start accusing me of being a complete wacko. Better see it for yourself. Click here.

The problem with some true crime cases is that you find yourself resonating with the villain. You find that you can empathize, that you understand why he/SHE (WOMAN EMPOWERMENT) chose to commit a crime, whilst you condone his actions. The reasons are often petty feelings that we as humans are daily subject to- greed, jealousy, ego, speculation, fear, guilt, agony, revenge. The list never ends.

Imagine a hypothetical scenario- A man lives happily with his wife and family in a country, true to his nation and so on and so forth. Everyone is happy, no one feels like bombing the world or anything, and life just goes on without filter. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the wife receives a letter from the government saying she has been avoiding taxes all along and is required to pay a large amount of fee as penalty. She looks carefully into the notice and concludes that there MUST have been a mistake, since she is an honest citizen and pays her taxes on time. However, the government officials assigned to her case pays no heed and continues to notify her of arrears and the compiling "fine and fee" which she has to keep paying, and which she does for a long time by doing multiple jobs, until it all gets too much for her and she commits suicide when threatened with mortgage. The family is sad and mourning, until just a week after her death, when they acquire yet another notice from the concerned government employee saying that it was all a mistake and that their cash would be returned soon. 

This story is actually a washed out version of a part of Steve Martini's AWESOME book, "Critical Mass". Later on, the man seeks revenge for the life of his wife as well as the happiness of the family, and gets ready to avenge her death by destroying a prominent government symbol. Even though this is just a story, is it not fair that we think from the man's perspective? 

Losing someone is hard, very hard. Losing someone you are in love with is harder. I would not know, but I see my grandmother going through it every single day, and I find myself praying out of my own selfishness,  that I die before any of my loved ones do. 

But then again, revenge is just one motive for crime. There are other motives, like jealousy and guilt, the more uglier elements of human character, which have come to adorn Dorian Gray's mirror in the famous classic of the same name. These are rather gory details that I find fascinating merely due to their modus operandi and the weird guts that made people do what they did, out of common, everyday motives. 

I might be jealous of my friend, but that does not mean that I will kill her for a petty reason. Here, my motive may be jealousy. But the same motive might be the cause of someone else's death, in case of some other person. This is what differentiates me from them, who is a villain, whereas I am not.

Just the last day, I happened to stumble upon a horrifying news- a man killed his mother just because she did not make a curry to his liking. Not so long ago, an American teenager shot his mother, took her brains out and ate it. I do not even want to go to the details of what he did to her dead body after that. Another man in Spain killed his guests and made burgers out of their meat, which he served at another party. A woman killed her husband and two daughters- the former, for his insurance and the latter, because they just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

(Tatsama Tadbhava, a 2023 release, starring Meghana Raj is a mind bending crime thriller that transcends all borders of true crime that I have listened to. Although the acting is a bit off, the plot twists and the raw human psychology in the movie make is a highly underrated one. It is a must-see for all true-crime lovers.)

In short, what I really wanted to say is, I guess right and wrong depends on the observer. Actually, that is not what I want to say. I do not know what I can refer from this.

Imagine a person, who knows absolutely nothing about chess, watches a game. He starts making assumptions on his own as the game progresses, and when he find something that bars his earlier assumptions, he makes exceptions. I see true crime in the same manner. Something that might seem so right to someone can be so horribly wrong, and something that might seem atrocious to someone might actually be for the greater good, if the concept of "Greater Good" still has a stand in today's world. I think it does. In fact, I think THAT is what is wrong with the world. Everyone is doing bad to get to a "Greater Good". As if the end justifies the means. What disturbs me the most, is that I do it too. More often than I am comfortable with. I just wish there was a standardized book about what is okay, and what is not okay. And I do not want to have multiple opinions, just one final answer. The last thing I want is to be caught between the church saying one thing and the society saying yet another, while the constitution tells a whole other thing altogether. 

Don't get me wrong. I have got nothing against the world. Dinner is late, and when I am hungry, I am not what I usually am.

I become my real self.